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Excerpt
After
years of unsatisfying relationships, I took a five-year break from the
miseries, anxieties, and fleeting pleasures of dating. Those years were
productive and happy ones. I didn’t mind living alone but felt that
something was missing. I wanted to share my life with someone special.
So in the second half of my life I decided to start dating again.
I didn’t think it would be too hard to discover a
companion who would suit me. I had just started a new career—as a
resident doctor in Boston training as a psychiatrist. I was 95 pounds of
energy. My credentials were great. I was living in a city of smart
people. Find a boyfriend? Piece of cake!
Boy, was I wrong! I began by placing an ad in the
monthly city magazine. My ad read exactly as I saw myself: “Physician,
artist, writer. Smart, slim, sane. Likes to listen, cook, and
rollerblade. Are you the right man? 45–55.” Responses poured in by phone
and through the mail. I weeded out those who seemed mentally ill, were
unemployed, or peppered our chat with digs at their last wife. I was
determined to give everyone else a chance.
My first months in the dating scene were tedious and
disappointing. I had dinner with men who spent the entire meal talking
about themselves, or worse, their evil ex-wives, their troubled kids,
and their tyrannical bosses. One fellow graphically detailed his
prostate troubles (after all, I was a doctor and should understand).
Another date had a criminal record, another was disbarred. The man with
the Yale law degree started yelling at me for no reason.
By the time I moved to Seattle four years later, I was still looking. I
placed ads in a monthly magazine, the weekly newspaper, and the
Jewish News. After training as a psychiatrist, my screening process
had improved. I learned it was best to try to get to know a little bit
about the man before we met. If I could easily slip it into the phone
conversation, I would ask him about his last relationship. I added this
question to my list after a date with a man whose wife had died three
weeks before. I listened for phrases like “between jobs” and “anger
management;” these were warnings to go no further.
I also learned that being older had its drawbacks. Even
though I’m downright skinny, men were disappointed by the fact that my
skin was not wrinkle-free. I didn’t even bother to meet the man who
wanted to start a second family.
But I kept at it, perfecting my techniques. Jay was
response number 751. Really! We met when he answered my personal ad. He
had to accommodate my lack of interest in basketball and I had to get
used to his Nordic silences but five years later I still appreciate my
artist boyfriend.
Success at last
I
learned a lot in my quest for a relationship as an “older woman.” And
that’s why I wrote this book. To share this information with other
mature men and women, many of whom have given up on the prospect of
romance.
When I look around at my patients and friends over 50,
I see energetic people with a lot to offer the world. They have jobs,
careers, varied interests. Many view their lives as rich and full. The
only thing missing is a loving relationship.
For some, even the thought of dating at 50 seems
ludicrous. Others have tried it but experienced many disappointments.
I, too, have experienced those awful moments of discouragement. While I
was actively dating, I was sometimes rejected out of hand, because I was
“too old.” It’s depressing when potential partners your age say they’re
looking for someone younger. Suddenly the world seems full of people who
are more youthful, thin and self-assured.
How can you learn to feel hopeful and dignified—and find love?
To answer this question, I developed a three-pronged solution:
knowledge, action and attitude. Once I had the formula, I tried it out
and fine tuned the technique. Over the years, I never gave up. Using my
skills as a psychiatrist and relying on the support of my friends, I
collected the required information, took the necessary steps, and kept
an open mind. And I succeeded. I found a satisfying and lasting
relationship. Then I began helping others do the same.
Now, I’m delighted to share my findings with you. This
book will help you resist loneliness and empower you to discover
romance, whether or not you choose to find another spouse, or are
content to live alone. Be hopeful. There is love, companionship, and
satisfaction at the end of your quest. Be brave, and follow the Bible’s
advice: “Choose life, so that you may live.”
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